Drug Test Us All

from The Oregonian A&E 11-26-1999, p. 6

Alcohol Awareness Ads Have Brewers Frothing

A Midwest anti-beer campaign doesn't play well in Portland

[This poster has needled some craft-beer fans here in Beervana]

Poster available from FACE : Truth and clarity in alcohol

NOCOHOL : An Idea Whose Time Has Come

By Mark Worden

The Oregonian has recently reported that brewers are unhappy about Tri-Met buses with public service ads depicting beer as a drug of abuse.

Dr. Lemual Quark has an idea that would bring to a quick end to all the controversy over the possible dangers of high-alcohol ales and malt liquor the so-called power-brews.

Quark, Director of the Addictive Conundrum Institute at Lower Umpqua, Oregon, has been working without recognition for the past decade on a revolutionary concept. He’s been experimenting on the properties of a non-intoxicating power-brew.

Such a beverage would have many attractive qualities. As Quark points out, there should be a great demand for a recreational beer that does not intoxicate, produces no hangovers, will not damage the central nervous system, will not cause blackouts, will not impair neuromuscular coordination, driving, or work performance, will not damage the liver, heart, pancreas, brain or other internal organs, will not cause fetal alcohol syndrome, will not promote the growth of mouth cancer, and will not be addictive.

“This non-intoxicating beer,” Quark avers, “will enable people to feel relaxed, comfortable, and sociable. And it will reduce mild anxiety symptoms, relieve adrenal stress, enhance creativity, and impede the growth of unsightly facial blemishes.”

Then why not just eliminate all alcohol from drinks? Like the alcohol-free near-beers that are already available.

“We don’t want to be known as anti-alcohol prohibitionists,” says Quark. “Besides, it’s important to leave alcohol in the beverage because it symbolizes so much youth, manliness, independence, and so on. In addition, let’s face facts. The alcohol industry is large and influential. It employs many people, has powerful lobbies, and state and federal governments collect an enormous amount of revenue from the sale of beer, wine and liquor.”

So you’re working on a process which will eliminate the toxic inebriating factor from the alcohol in beer?

“Exactly,” says Quark.

But isn’t alcohol itself the toxic factor?

“There’s a great deal of controversy about this point, just as there is about nicotine in tobacco. But we have found a way to reduce the toxic factor in alcohol, or at least separate the toxic from the salubrious.”  Quark intimated that the process involves molecular biology and a patented gene from a South American toad. He added, “I’m confident that non-intoxicating alcohol Nocohol, I call it is an idea whose time has come.” Quark smiled expansively as he finished his decaffeinated coffee and put out his lettuce cigarette.

If Dr. Quark’s research proves successful, it may usher in a new age of social responsibility among those who manufacture, distribute, advertise and sell alcoholic beverages. Breweries will be able to make high-octane ales and malt liquors using the Nocohol process. Advertisers can tout a product that has been engineered to enable us to party hearty without the deleterious effects of intoxicants.

And the public can enjoy the symbolic act of drinking superpotent Nocoholic beer, a truly responsible family drink, while remaining safe from the potentially hazardous effects of alcohol.

Mark Worden



Mark Worden is the co-author (with Gayle Rosellini) of five books on recovery from chemical dependency, including Of Course You’re Angry, Here Comes the Sun, Strong Choices, Weak Choices, and Of Course You’re Anxious, (all published by Hazelden Educational Materials and Harper / Collins), and Barriers to Intimacy (Hazelden, Dell). 

Taming Your Turbulent Past is free on the internet.

More Quark :: NeoProbihition Is Beautiful

Other writings: Advice To Young Poets




Advice To Young Poets


 Type-A Poet