I've learned to relax
and meditate
systematically,
and daily biofeedback
improves my alpha
EEG.
I've primaled
and gestalted,
laid all my feelings bare,
my diet is meticulous:
Pfeiffer
analyzed my hair.
I've been rolfed
and RET'd,
transcended behavior mod,
got it with Werner
Erhard,
became born
again with God.
I jog an hour every dawn,
walk briskly every noon,
I hit the wall at 15 miles,
but I'll marathon
it soon.
I used to come down regularly
with Monday
morning flu.
Now at work I'm all efficiency
with drive enough for two.
Weaned from polyester,
I'm into cotton and blue jeans,
and I order all my hiking gear
direct from L.L. Bean's.
I've been into scientology
and now I'm known as clear.
It makes me wonder what I sought
in Mad Dog, scotch and beer.
From the study of astrology
I know what birthsigns say;
and I memorize the old Big
Book
and attend my old AA.
I've been therapized and counseled
by friends of Carl and Fritz,
and relived
several previous lives
via licensed hypnotists.
My liver's shrunk to half its size,
my eyes are bright and clear.
I've cut way down on coffee,
lost that ancient, nameless
fear.
All I used to read was TV
Guide
and labels on cheap red wine;
now I speed-read Elmore
Leonard,
and peruse the Sunday Times.
I find Hawking's
theories meaningful,
but prefer sage Carl
Sagan,
and take delight in the recondite
Drs. Szaz
and Herman Kahn.
Quarks and quasars interest me,
as do the firmament's displays,
but I am perplexed and sorely vexed
by great black holes in space.
I hand-till organic veggies,
grow calluses on my hands,
and listen to Willie
and Waylon sing
with country western bands.
There's a Nikon
in my future
with a telescopic lens
to take artful shots on Skid
Road
of the has- and never-beens.
In therapy and growth groups
I confronted the whole damn crew.
Intimidation didn't faze me:
I grew and grew and grew.
Behaviorally I've made progress,
achieved quantifiable goals.
But Rev. Williams down at the Mission
still worries about my soul.
Financially I am solvent.
I've put my roots down like an oak.
For I now abstain
from alcohol
and never, never smoke.
Now I've got my driver's
license back
I think I've paid my dues.
So I thank my P.O.
and my judge,
and I thank my Antabuse.
But migod! Since I've sobered up
and rearranged my life,
it will take two squads of counselors
to rearrange my wife!
Back to Granfalloon
Lemme see the plain, good old unadorned, unlinked, none of that pretentious
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