Lord, grant me the serenity --Recovering Perfectionist's Prayer |
Dr. David D. Burns, founder of the Behavioral Sciences Research Foundation, dares emotional perfectionists to attempt a new and perhaps audacious challenge: Try being average. At first glance, this idea sounds totally absurd, for who in their right mind would strive for such a boring, ordinary level of achievement? It takes no special effort to be mediocre.
But, wait. Upon reflection it seems to me that Dr. Burns is on to something wonderful here. Because, as he points out, if you are a perfectionist, you are bound to be a loser at whatever you do. A consummate failure. A sublime flop.
A perfectionist will always fail to meet the elevated standards of perfection. If examined with a critical eye, everything, every person, every idea falls short of perfection. Only in the movies was Bo Derek a "10." And even there, the critics ranked her acting "3" or below.
Likewise, every achievement falls short of perfection. It can be fixed up, honed, modified, fine-tuned and tinkered with in some way to make it "better".
When you pursue perfection, you will inevitably run headlong into frustration, self-hate, and misery. Yet, if you are willing to walk down the road of "averageness" for even one day, you are bound to feel successful, accomplished and pleased with yourself because maybe for the first time in your life you will be striving for an attainable goal. Finally, you can succeed.
HOW TO BE AN ANTI-PERFECTIONIST
Our perfectionistic tendency is usually so ingrained that it has become an unthinking emotional reflex for us. Breaking our reflexive responses takes both effort and practice. On the following pages I will describe several exercises that have proven effective in helping other adult children overcome the feelings of anxiety produced by their emotional perfectionism.
Set aside some time to do these exercises, remembering that the heavier your burden of perfection, the more practice you'll need to learn the joys of imperfection.
If you are a perfectionist, you are undoubtedly an expert at negative self-talk. If you are in any way typical, it's likely that you lay in bed at night going over everything you did wrong today. You know how to focus on the areas where you fall short. You catalog every mistake, blunder, and clumsy encounter. Why did you say this? Why didn't you say that? Did they like you? Why did they give you that funny look? And on and on. You fall asleep counting your shortcomings instead of sheep. No wonder you feel anxious.
Tonight, try something different. When your mind starts racing with negativity, say to yourself, "NO! Not now. I'm not going to dwell on the negative."
This is a technique called thought stopping, and it works.
Now, after you have ordered yourself to stop your negative self-talk, substitute at least five minutes of positive self- talk. What did you do right today? How many things can you count that are positive? Pay special attention to the little things you just normally expect of yourself.
At first, your perfectionistic negativity may be so automatic, so ingrained and habitual, that you can't think of a single thing you did right. But you probably did a lot of good things that you take for granted, like getting to work on time, passing up that second piece of chocolate cake, making a dreaded phone call, being patient with a rude store clerk, and so on. You don't need to score big. We want you to appreciate yourself for all the good ordinary normal things you accomplish in a day.
The purpose of this exercise is to break your emotional reflex of negative self-appraisal. If negativity creeps in, say "NO! Not now!" and continue giving yourself positive feedback.
Now, this doesn't mean that you should never again critique your behavior for areas that need improvement. We all need to do that occasionally. But we perfectionists get carried away with the habit. What we really need practice on is patting ourselves on the back a little bit for all the things we usually take for granted.
This exercise will be most effective if you practice it at least five
minutes a night over a period of weeks. It takes time to replace the habit of negative self-appraisal with the habit of positive self-appraisal. Remember that, because your perfectionistic reflex will make you want to become an expert in positive self-talk in just one night!
Like many perfectionists, you may believe that producing anything less than definitive work is just about the same as producing garbage. You feel deeply shamed if even small flaws are detected in what you do. Such feelings invariably lead to, 1) burn-out from trying to do everything perfectly, or 2) emotional and mental paralysis from the prospect of facing the impossible.
Here's an experiment suggested by Dr. Burns. Try changing your standards with various activities to see how your performance responds to high, middle and low standards. I've tried this with my writing, my counseling, and with dieting, and I've been very pleasantly surprised with the outcome whenever I have lowered my standards. I end up producing more and feeling better about myself.
For example, when I started writing the section on fear for this book, I thought I should cover every aspect of fear, from anxiety disorders through agoraphobia, traumatic stress disorder and obsessive-compulsive behavior. Now, let's see, what did I leave out? Oh, yes. I should outline all of the latest behavioral and cognitive research in addition to addressing the bio-chemistry and genetics of anxiety. And that was just for starters. I also decided I should write at least ten manuscript pages a day.
I would cover the field so thoroughly that I would qualify for an honorary degree in fear.
At one point, the workspace around my computer was so laden with piles of notes and clippings and reference materials that I couldn't find the keyboard. At that moment I developed writer's block.
My perfectionism had thwarted me.
I decided to lower my standards. Each day I made it my goal to cover a little less material and instead of aiming for ten pages a day, I aimed for one. This meant that I could accomplish my goal easily. I felt so good about this that I was spurred on to write more, knowing that each new paragraph was more than I had hoped for.
When my standards were high -- ten pages a day -- I failed consistently. I felt bad about myself and even considered giving up the project completely. The minute I lowered my standard, I started feeling like a success again. And over a period of days the manuscript pages piled up until the chapters were done.
Since that time I have never abandoned my aim of doing less each day. Consequently I never feel frustrated or inadequate. I feel good because I am achieving my goal and that motivates me to continue.
Try Dr. Burns' suggestion and dare to be average. When you start a project, lower your sights. Instead of aiming for 110%, go for 50% or 30% or even 10% like I did. Then see if you don't enjoy yourself and become more productive at the same time.
Here's a contradiction for you-- emotional perfectionists are unrelentingly self-critical, yet we'll be dipped in hot tar before we'll take responsibility for our own mistakes.
There's a psychological reason for this. The knowledge that we have behaved badly or foolishly or with a mean spirit gives our self-image a brutal jarring. How can we be the perfectly wonderful person we're supposed to be and make all these stupid blunders?
Psychologists call this conflict between perception and reality "cognitive dissonance." The human psyche just cannot tolerate such mental discrepancies -- anxiety and panic attacks are frequent manifestations of cognitive dissonance in process.
Now, how do we humans resolve this intolerable dissonance in our perceptions? It's really quite simple. We, consciously or unconsciously, redefine reality to meet our needs.
Either we accept the fact that we are not always perfect and wonderful or we maintain our self-image by throwing the blame for our mistakes on someone or something else.
Unless we've done quite a bit of work to overcome our perfectionist tendencies, you can bet we'll opt for maintaining our emotional illusions.
So while we may moan more or less incessantly about our problems, burdens, and difficulties in life, we emotional perfectionists are loathe to honestly and truly take responsibility for our lapses in perfection. Oh, we hurl insults at ourselves, but that's not an effective way of admitting specific mistakes. Sometimes we even criticize ourselves in order to take the sting out of criticism from others.
Sadly, if we are unable to admit our errors, we have also cut off our ability to grow and change.
Consciously analyzing the irrational and self-defeating nature of our belief in the importance of perfection is one way of facing the transcendental truth that "to err is human."
Using your journal, write a list in which you outline why a fear of making mistakes is detrimental to you. How does attempting to maintain a self-image of perfection inhibit your potential for growth. Valerie's journal looked like this:
1. First, it's okay for me to make mistakes because all humans make mistakes. Thinking that I can be perfect is grandiose and irrational--why should I be immune from the laws of humanity?
2. Making mistakes is okay because I learn from them. When I refuse to accept my mistakes I become rigid and unable to improve myself.
3. It's okay to be less than perfect because one small flaw doesn't ruin an otherwise good outcome. 98% success with peace of mind is better than 100% success with a nervous breakdown.
4. If I recognize where I messed up, I can change it. The discomfort of admitting I've goofed will be worth it if I can make a positive change that will make me happier in the long run.
5. Whenever I try to do 110% perfect job, I either get burned out from the strain or I get so paralyzed from anxiety that I want to hide under my bed. Then I start procrastinating. When I lower my standards to 90%, I get more done.
6. It's okay to make a mistake because it makes me more human. Most people won't hold small mistakes against me. And I think sometimes my pretense of perfection puts other people off.
7. Lastly, even if I really blow it and a lot of people get mad at me and criticize me, I won't die from it. I will feel bad for a while, but if I honestly admit my mistakes I can make amends to the people I hurt and forgive myself. It won't be the end of the world.
Rationally analyzing mistake-making does not guarantee you emotional relief, but it is a start. Valerie reported a large decrease in her feelings of anxiety and fear immediately after writing her essay. However, about a month later, her perfectionist tendencies burst forth again when she had to present a proposal to her boss and co-workers. A panic attack struck as she was going over last minute details.
"I thought 'this is the end'," she recalled. "Then I said, "NO!" I sat down at my desk and did some slow deep breathing and mentally I recited all the reasons why I didn't have to be perfect. I remembered my list of why it was okay for me to make mistakes, and gradually my panic left me. My heartbeat slowed to normal, the lump left my throat, I was okay. I went to the lady's room and wiped the sweat off my face and body, all the time saying to myself, "It's okay to make mistakes. My self- worth does not depend on making a perfect presentation.' Then I went into the meeting room and knocked 'em dead! My legs felt like Jello, but, dammit! I did it!"
After that, Valerie practiced this exercise regularly, especially before any situation where she felt her skills and abilities would be tested and judged.
"I still get nervous," she admits, "but I haven't had to take a Valium in six months."
Using Drugs to Treat Fear and Anxiety
As Valerie's comment indicates, she had at times turned to prescription medication to deal with her anxiety attacks. Is this an avenue other adult children who suffer from severe fear problems need to explore?
In my opinion, the answer is a qualified "maybe."
Current research shows that some major anxiety disorders may be biochemical -- that is, physical, rather than psychological -- in origin.
Some people may possess nervous systems that for unknown physical reasons stay on red alert when they should be at ease.
Some researchers are investigating the possibility that a predisposition to a red alert nervous system is a genetic trait which can be passed on from generation to generation. We already know this is true of alcoholism, and it is my personal (unscientific) belief that in the coming years scientists will discover a genetic link between alcoholism and a predisposition to a red alert nervous system.
In other words, I'm saying that children of alcoholics may be hit with a double whammy -- the destructive effects of growing up in a dysfunctional family and the possibility of inheriting a nervous system predisposed to anxiety.
Please note, I said may. Even if a link is found, we must remember that not every child in a family inherits the same genes, just as not every child reacts the same way to family chaos. Some children may be severely affected, while others escape unscathed.
So, the question remains. Are psycho-active medications a viable option for adult children suffering from fear disorders?
According to psychologist Carol Tavris, "The drugs currently most in use for treating anxiety disorders are the benzodiazepines (minor tranquilizers, such as Valium), tricyclic antidepressants, such as imipramine, and monamine oxidase (MAO) inhibitors, such as phenalazine."
I remain unalterably opposed to the use of benzodiazepines (minor tranquilizers) by adult children of alcoholics except in emergency situations under the direct supervision of a medical person.
Why such a strong stand?
Reason 1: These drugs have a high potential for abuse and addiction.
Reason 2: Adult children of alcoholics have a high potential for all forms of chemical dependency and abuse.
I have seen too many adult children who would never dream of getting drunk or using illegal drugs become physical and emotional wrecks from using legally prescribed tranquilizers. They had no intention of abusing these drugs, yet they still developed serious problems.
It is my deepest conviction that for adult children, the risks of using tranquilizers far outweigh the potential benefits.
And it is the adult child's responsibility to make this point clear to well-meaning physicians who seek to alleviate your suffering by offering you a prescription for any of the many different brands of tranquilizers.
To protect yourself, it is vital that you not accept a prescription for an anti-anxiety drug or a muscle relaxant or a sleeping pill without first obtaining from your doctor a complete explanation of exactly what kind of drug you are getting.
Don't be afraid to question either your doctor or your pharmacist. Any doctor worth his (or her) salt will gladly answer your questions. While it is the doctor's responsibility to give you information, it is your responsibility to ask questions if the information isn't freely offered in terms you can understand. Don't feel shy, for you are certainly worth the effort it takes to ask these questions.
Now, what about the tricyclic anti-depressants and the MAO inhibitors?
In my experience, under certain conditions, these drugs can be a boon to anxious and depressed adult children of alcoholics. One reason they seem useful is because they pose a lower risk for abuse, mostly because they don't have an euphoric drug effect. In other words, they don't make you high.
You might consider being evaluated for drug treatment by a qualified physician if you can answer yes to any of the following questions.
1. Are you unable to carry out your day-to-day activities because of your fear and depression?
2. Do you suffer a lot from physical symptoms such as agitation, racing heart, or feelings of paralysis?
3. Do you have a past history of positive drug treatment with few side effects?
The above guidelines are general in nature and are not meant to be comprehensive. If you do decide to seek medical help, it's important that you know that these drugs often need several weeks to take effect. Sometimes the dosage has to be adjusted several times before optimum benefit is reached. And sometimes, the drugs simply don't work for your particular problem.
Without exception, people being treated with drug therapy must stay in close contact with their physician. If the medication doesn't seem to work, or if you suffer from side effects, let your doctor know! Otherwise, you won't receive the help you want and need.
SELF-MEDICATION AND SELF-SABOTAGE
Anxiety is a terrible thing.
This is an important truth we can't ignore. Anxiety feels terrible. We'll do just about anything to escape it.
We'll medicate ourselves with alcohol, marijuana, pills borrowed from a friend, a pint of Haagen-Daz, and two packs of cigarettes.
And that's one of the reasons why counseling, exercises, medication, and insight oftimes don't work to alleviate our pain.
Our lifestyle habits can keep us in misery!
Recent research shows that even small amounts of caffeine or sugar can trigger full-blown panic attacks in susceptible people.
Hypoglycemia -- low blood sugar -- can mimic all the symptoms of mental illness.
Chemical dependency undermines health and happiness.
Constant striving after success and achievement leads to physical exhaustion and emotional burnout.
Stress deadens our emotions and sickens our bodies.
No matter how much we struggle and search and suffer in our quest for self, we will find no lasting happiness if we examine our psyches under a microscope while ignoring the needs of our bodies. Insight is a precious thing, yet it is only a small fragment in the complex puzzle of self-realization. If we spend all out time looking into our emotions while remaining unaware of our physical selves, we stay fragmented. True self-realization comes from wholeness. And fundamental to wholeness is the issue of self-care.
© Copyright 1986, 1997, 2003 Gayle Rosellini & Mark Worden
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