Taming Your Turbulent Past

by

Gayle Rosellini & Mark Worden

 

Chapter Fourteen

::

Health Boosters

 

 

I live with this body of mine, and yet for all I know about it, I might as well be living with a stranger.
-- John Stewart Collis

I'm not asking you to go on a diet. And for a very good reason. The word diet conjures up certain images in weight conscious America. Negative images. As one of the group members in Chapter 12 said, "Diet is a four-letter word."

We see a diet as punishment for our sins of gluttony, a penance we pay for past pleasures. Diets mean deprivation. We starve ourselves down for a few days or weeks or months and then go back to our old unhealthy ways until we can't stand ourselves any longer, then we start the whole miserable process over again.

A diet connotes a temporary change, a short period of unpleasantry (for our own good, we say, masochistically), which will be discontinued once we get in shape.

Never before in history have so many people gone on so many diets and lost so few pounds.

So, no. No diets, puleeze!

What I am asking is this: Will you embark on a long-term quest for physical and emotional health?

Before answering this question, you must first determine if you have made the diagnosis -- that is, do you realize that much of your current unhappiness is directly related to the unresolved co-dependent behaviors you learned in your alcoholic family? And that one of the major co-dependency issues is the glorification of self-neglect, exhaustion, and martyrdom in the service of others?

If you are to really change, you must come to the point where you accept your co-dependency and yourself as a co- dependent with unresolved problems.

This sounds easy, but it's not because you are suffering from the deeply ingrained, unspoken belief that it is wrong and selfish and weak for you to put your time and energy into meeting your own needs in a healthy way.

On a very deep level, you believe that you do not deserve to pamper yourself in any way unless you first earn that privilege by working very hard. So, you eat on the run, because you don't deserve to take time for a pleasant lunch until you've done all of your work. You go for days without exercise because you don't have the time to walk around the block. And even if you did have the time, you couldn't go walking because you didn't deserve to spend $50 on yourself for a good, comfortable pair of walking shoes, so instead you bought three pairs of plastic sandals at Wal-Mart for $17 each, and they pinch your toes, so you can't walk far in them, and that's why it's impossible for you to get healthy, don't you know?

This kind of thinking and behavior keeps you feeling constantly deprived and overburdened. And the real tragedy is that you are spending just as much time and money and energy in not taking care of yourself as it takes to treat yourself in a truly loving and caring manner.

And that brings us back to square one -- the deep, vague, inarticulate belief that you don't deserve to love and care for yourself. Your job is to take care of other people. Right?

So, let's say you don't deserve to do it for yourself. You're just no damn good, a hopeless case. I mean, what the hell, why even bother?

Well, what about the people around you? The people you profess to love? Do you really think they like being around a moody, irritable, sick, depressed martyr? So, if you can't do it for yourself, do it for them. They will be heartbroken if you collapse on them.

"I don't know where to start," you protest, shrinking inside at the formidable task before you.

Let's look at some health-boosting ideas that can make a difference in your life--not just in the short run, but over the long haul.

Here are some suggestions on how to start taking care of yourself. These nutritional guidelines are generally accepted by experts as behaviors that promote good health. Which is what we're after.

Avoid diets that distort nutritional balance. Any diet that advocates magical properties for special foods or that skimps on protein, carbohydrates or fruits and vegetables can result in a health drain.

Eat enough protein, but avoid "high protein" diets. While most Americans get more than adequate amounts of protein foods -- meat, fish, poultry, eggs, milk -- many depressed and anxious people go on eating binges where they crave sugar and starch to such an extent that they may go for days without eating even minimum amounts of protein foods.

Make complex carbohydrates --starchy food like bread, cereal, pasta, rice, beans, and potatoes an important part of each meal. Contrary to popular belief, starchy foods are not fattening. It's the butter, mayonnaise, gravy, and sauces that add the calories. The best carbohydrates are unrefined -- whole wheat, brown rice, baked potatoes and so on. Carbohydrate is the preferred fuel for the body, and starches give us a longer lasting energy boost than do simple sugars. Unrefined starches also provide needed fiber.

Avoid simple sugars -- including white sugar, brown sugar, raw sugar, syrup, corn sweetener, and honey. These sugars give a quick lift, followed by an energy drain. Anyone with a blood sugar problem is wise to avoid sweets, candies, cakes, cookies, donuts, pie, ice cream, flavored yogurt and so on. The biggest source of sugar in the American diet is soft drinks, including pop and so-called 'fruit' drinks. If you eliminate only one energy drainer from your diet, make it sugared soft drinks!

Reduce your intake of fat. This is especially important if you have a weight problem. Most of the fat in our diet is hidden from view. Did you know that one chocolate chip cookie can have a whole tablespoon (100 calories!) of butter in it? And who eats just one chocolate chip cookie? A slice of pie has about two tablespoons of Crisco (200 calories!). And a measly quarter cup of commercial cake frosting can have 400 calories worth of lard (that's right, pig fat!) in it. A high fat meal can cause immediate fatigue in some people. And we all know that a fatty diet contributes to obesity, heart disease, and other chronic maladies.

Cut down on caffeine. If you suffer from anxiety attacks, panic, or that horrible choking pressure in your chest, caffeine is not your friend. Recent research shows that even one cup of coffee can cause a panic attack in a susceptible person. Caffeine is a drug. In large amounts it can cause jitters in just about every one. But in a sensitive person, even small amounts can have a devastating effect. If you suffer from severe anxiety problems, it is important that you eliminate all caffeine from your life. This means cola drinks and tea, as well as coffee. Also check ingredients in OTC drugs. Expect drowsiness, headache and irritability for two or three days if you go off caffeine cold-turkey.

Don't rely on vitamins and food supplements to make up for poor eating habits. Vitamins and minerals are important and I take supplements myself. I think of them as an insurance policy, but that's all. Vitamin pills won't make us healthy if we are skipping meals, drinking, taking drugs, and living on junk food. They are a supplement to our diet, not the main course.

Don't skip meals or go on fasts. Such behavior causes blood sugar to fall and makes us feel physically and emotionally bad. While this is true for most people, it is doubly important for adult children.

 

If learning about nutrition or changing your eating habits seems overwhelming to you, don't despair. I've seen remarkable physical and emotional improvements in people who only remembered these four rules.

If you follow these four rules on a fairly consistent basis, you will come a long way toward getting your blood sugar level and other bodily processes stabilized.

If you are serious about improving your health, now would be a good time to see your doctor for a check-up.

An important note: If the doctor tells you there is absolutely nothing wrong with your blood sugar test, please don't take that as permission to continue all of your old self-destructive habits.

Think about this: Bouts of low blood sugar (and the resulting miserable symptoms) can be caused by your lifestyle, rather than by a disease. The blood test your doctor orders measures how your body reacts under certain controlled circumstances. But what about the uncontrolled circumstances of your life, like the times you're under terrible stress on the job and you go for three days on two Big Macs and five gallons of coffee?

I don't think very many doctors realize how common that behavior is. And we're too embarrassed to tell them.

I have a doctor friend who gets very cross with me whenever I mention hypoglycemia and the special nutritional needs of alcoholics and their children.

"The standard American diet provides all the essential nutrients a person needs," Dr. M intones. "We are the best fed nation in the world. Except for occasional fad dieting, my patients are all well-nourished."

What the poor man doesn't seem to realize is that patients lie, lie, lie to their doctor about what they eat. Yes, they do! With malice aforethought and nary of twitch of the eye!

I once had a client who was referred to me by her doctor because he felt her problems were emotional rather than physical. He had asked her about her diet.

Doctor: "How's your diet, Jill?"

Jill: "Fine."

Doctor: "You eat three meals a day?"

Jill: "Uh-huh."

Doctor: "Good."

 

As part of her therapy, I asked Jill to keep a food diary. This is a very simple procedure. Every time she ate something, she wrote down what it was, how much she ate, and at what time she ate it. Then we went over it at our weekly sessions.

After one week, it became apparent that Jill fixed three meals a day for her family, but she herself existed on Oreo cookies, Hostess Cupcakes, Twinkies, coffee, and Diet Pepsi. And the scraps off her children's plates.

And she wondered why she felt so bad!

Why don't you try keeping a food diary for three or four days. Write down everything your eat, how much, and the time of day. Don't try to change your eating for the better while you're keeping your diary. Follow your normal pattern. Be honest! Then compare your diary with the typical pattern of dietary abuse we outlined in Chapter 13.

If anything can convince you of the need to change, the food diary is it!

 

Preparing For Failure

I am asking you to make changes in deeply ingrained, destructive, health draining lifestyle habits. It is extremely important from the start that you realize that you will have failures.

Lasting change does not come easily. There will be times when you take two steps forward and one step back, but that still means you are one step beyond your starting point.

This acceptance of less than perfect adherence to your new health boosting habits is essential if you are to avoid disappointment and health draining despair.

You will have failures. Accept this and prepare for it. If you are an all-or-nothing perfectionist, one small slip can send you onto a tailspin of self-hate and hopelessness. If you expect nutritional perfection from yourself, you are already on the way to defeat and self-recriminations.

My friend Naomi is a good example of an all-or-nothing perfectionist who every few months goes on a self-improvement kick that never lasts more than two weeks.

"Pizza," she wailed. "I ate a whole pizza! I couldn't help myself. I was so hungry that once I started I couldn't quit. I blew it again! I'll never be thin!"

Because Naomi sometimes blows it, she gives up, going back to the old bad habits that keep her heavy, tired and moody. And she's right. With her present attitude, she'll never be thin.

What Naomi fails to understand is that failure is not black and white. Failure comes in different degrees, and half a failure is not the same as a whole failure.

To Naomi, eating even one slice of pizza means she has gone off her diet, therefore she is a failure, a pig, a weak-willed nothing, and there is no use even trying any more. She's blown it.

This type of thinking leads directly to massive hopelessness and self-hate. Realistically, one slice of pizza is not a serious transgression, and even ten slices of pizza are nothing more than a temporary set-back.

Even if we jump into a vat of chocolate with an open mouth, there is nothing stopping us from climbing back out again and continuing on our forward trek towards positive self-care and good health.

How can this be true? Can we really redeem ourselves when we blow it? Let's say you are breaking your nutritional goals. You are on an eating binge. We're not talking about a little pizza here, but a destructive and dangerous nighttime sugar and fat jag -- for example, you didn't eat all day long and now it's nine o'clock and you're starving and you're sitting in front of a pint of Haagan-Dazs Choco-Chocolate Chip ice cream, a package of Duncan Heinz Peanut Butter Cookies, and a large bottle of Pepsi. And you're depressed. So why the hell not visit Hog City and . . . pig out?

Now, listen: To any degree -- and I do mean any -- that you can limit this eating binge, you are limiting the degree of your failure. If you eat the ice cream and throw out the cookies, you have succeeded a little. If you stop halfway though the ice cream and cookies, you have limited the binge, and you have scored a partial success.

You don't have to be perfect.

This is hard to accept, very hard. It goes against our most deeply ingrained belief that to fail a little is tantamount to failing completely. It defies our belief that we are either perfect or we are nothing.

But believe me, we do not live in an either/or world. We have multiple options and one option we face is choosing to be an 80% success! Or 50% or even 10%.

The control it takes to successfully limit a binge will indicate to you that you do indeed have the capacity to succeed, to tolerate frustration, to pick yourself up and dust yourself off and go on with living and developing a happy life.

All right, you're back with the program. The binge is over. Now is the time to put rule #4 into effect. Do not beat yourself up or hate yourself or feel guilty or vow to starve yourself in penance.

Food is not your enemy. Food is not responsible for your problems. You are responsible. And when you limited your binge, you took responsibility for your problems. That's good.

Now, why did this binge happen? Did you skip meals and let yourself get too hungry? Did you allow yourself to be sabotaged by well-meaning friends?

Were you stressed-out? Depressed? Feeling unloved? Isn't that an old habit? Eating because you feel lonely and down, then hating yourself for your lack of will-power, and eating some more?

Learn what you can from this slip. Store that knowledge for future use. Now, what went right? Did you stop your binge sooner this time than you have before? Was your self-control better? What did you say to yourself that got you back on the right track? Pat yourself on the back for having the guts to start over again.

And remember the immortal words of Scarlett O'Hara: Tomorrow is another day.

 

 

Health Booster #2: Physical Activity

I have never seen a busier bunch of people than a group of adult children of alcoholics with nothing to do. Adult children can't stand doing nothing. Doing nothing seems . . . well, sinful. It's not allowed. So, even when we are doing nothing, we have to act like we're doing something -- making a list, planning a project, doing Yoga breathing exercises, figuring out how Mary Ellen and Joe can fix up their marriage, something.

I think all this busy-ness results from two particular characteristics common in adult children.

 

1. Shaky Self-Esteem. Adult children usually believe you are what you do. Ipso facto, if you do nothing, you are nothing. Such an attitude is not a good incentive for enjoying free time.

2. Fear of Honest Self-Appraisal. If we keep busy enough, we won't have the time to stop and take a good look at the direction and focus of our lives. What are we doing? Why are we doing it? Is it right or wrong? Is it what we really want out of life? These questions scare us. Keeping constantly busy is an effective way of avoiding answering them.

Busy, But Going Nowhere

 

When you are busy, you probably feel that you are active. The busier, you are -- that is, the more hours of the day in which you are engaged in working, playing, visiting, cleaning, cooking, mowing, washing, talking, commuting, meeting, fixing, planning, loving, arguing, shopping, gaming, and coming and going -- the more active you think you are.

Makes sense, doesn't it?

Well . . . not always.

A lot of that busy-ness takes place behind a desk or in a car or in a chair or standing in one spot. It is inactive activity.

Too often, we are busy, but not moving. We are efficient, but not active. We are enthusiastic, but not vigorous.

Paradoxically, the busier we are, the more physically inactive we may be. Why? Because really busy people usually feel pressed for time. There's just so much to do, and so little time to do it well.

So, we dash out the front door and into the car. We park as close to our destination as we can and hurry to the elevator in order to get to the third floor in time for our appointment.

We're busy, rushed, pressured. And at the end of the day, exhausted.

Yet, except for running from the house to the car to the office building to the elevator and back again, we have moved very little.

This lack of physical movement in our daily activities has had a profound effect on our health. The human body is designed to be vigorously active, to walk and move and stretch and work and play. Lack of physical movement results in a slowed down metabolism, a build-up of body fat; a lessening of stamina and strength, a weakening of the heart and lungs, and the chronic aches and pains of physical disability.

The degeneration of our physical capacities usually happens so slowly that we don't notice changes as they occur. Because we are so busy, we just assume we are also actively working our body. Then suddenly we wake up one morning wondering how we we got so flabby, tired, weak, and breathless.

We have become another unsuspecting victim of the modern busy lifestyle.

Some doctors call this mode of inactive activity hypokinesis, meaning an abnormally low amount of movement. And unless you are a physical laborer, or you walk to and from your office job, or you religiously adhere to a vigorous exercise routine, you are probably a victim of hypokinesis.

Now, don't panic. Hypokinesis is not a disease. But it can lead to physical degeneration and disability unless we do something about it.

Recent studies show that increased physical activity not only improves our bodies, but our mental outlook as well. Exercise can actually cause a biochemical change in the body that helps relieve feelings of depression.

But before you run out and buy yourself a designer leotard, wait a minute.

Remember your tendency for all- or- nothing perfectionism. If you let this personality characteristic slip your mind, you will undoubtedly sabotage your efforts for long-term physical improvement. It is neither healthy nor wise for a sedentary adult to suddenly start acting like he or she is trying out for the Olympic Games.

If you try to do too much exercise too fast and too soon, some bad things are going to happen to you.

 

You'll hurt yourself. At least 25% of men who take up running and 50% of woman who take up running or aerobics injure themselves because they don't use proper equipment, technique, or instruction.

You'll quit after a short time. A too difficult work- out makes you feel like a failure, and because you don't like feeling that way, you'll find excuses not to continue.

You won't have any fun. If you're already busy, an exhausting or painful exercise program becomes just another unpleasant burden in your life.

 

Stuart, a school psychologist in his mid-thirties fell into this last trap. He decided to get into shape by taking up running. Always a competitor, Stuart didn't feel he was making progress unless he could run a little farther or a little faster each day.

He explained it this way, "I finally got to the point where I could run a mile in a little under six minutes. That's pretty good for a guy my age and that made me feel good about myself. I started thinking I had to match that time on every run. I invested my entire identity in being able to run a six minute mile. My knees and ankles started hurting and that slowed me down, so I'd just push that much harder to compensate. I was pushing myself way beyond my natural limits, putting myself under a terrible strain to perform. After a few months I was totally burned out on running. I dreaded it. Hated it! It got to be just like the worst parts of my job, something I detested but had to do because I was supposed to. I couldn't quit my job, but I could quit running. And I did."

In Stuart's case, exercise became a health drainer instead of a health booster. You don't have to let this happen to you. Are you willing to build your stamina slowly? Are you willing to be consistent and persistent in your efforts? Will you resist the temptation to push yourself beyond your natural limits? If you can say yes to all three of these questions, you have a good chance of making long-term improvements in your health.

 

Wash Your Face, Brush Your Teeth, and Move!

 

"Oh jeminy crickets--kid stuff. Next you'll be giving lessons on how to blow my nose."

Well, take a deep breath and . . .

For starters, every morning you get up, wash your face and brush your teeth.

"But doesn't everyone do that?"

Nope. A lot of people let it slide, put it off. "Oh, I took a shower yesterday," they'll say. "Or maybe it was the day before yesterday." They don't brush their teeth until they begin to see green algae growing next to their gums. Their mouth becomes an ecological niche for flagella-footed bacteria and other interesting slime-dwellers.

But if you've trained yourself in basic hygiene, you need no special motivation to head in the direction of your toothbrush. You don't need a friend to go into the bathroom with you, and you don't need any exotic equipment. Just a few essentials.

If you miss two or three days of washing, you positively look forward to the earliest opportunity to commune with hot water. In fact, not washing makes you feel like a total grunge!

These basic hygienic habits are deeply ingrained and automatic. To most of us, the very thought of going a week without soap and toothpaste is absolutely unthinkable.

And that's the way it should be with physical activity -- an automatic daily routine.

You will be most successful in boosting your health if you start thinking of physical activity as an essential part of your daily routine, just like combing your hair.

Taking aerobics classes with a friend, being involved in team sports, and weekend golfing, tennis, skiing, and hiking are wonderful activities.

But they cannot be the core of a routine of physical activity.

Why not? Because your aerobics partner's six-year-old will come down with the chicken pox and you won't want to go to classes alone. Only three guys will show up for basketball practice, so you might as well go over to the Tides Tavern and watch the Celtics on the bigscreen T.V. And how many skiing trips do you take a year? Ten? Six? Two?

Here are some suggestions on how to change a lifestyle of hypokinesis into a health boosting routine of increased physical movement. Now, we're not talking about exercises here, we're talking about routine movement.

 

In the morning, stretch when you arise. Stand on your tiptoes and reach for the ceiling, move sideways and backwards, slowly bend to the floor (don't be a hero, it's okay if you bend your knees.) This takes less than a minute and can profoundly increase flexibility if done regularly over time.

Park your car a block away from your office and walk the rest of the way. (Not recommended in tough neighborhoods or if you work nights.)

Always take the stairs, even if the building has twenty stories. Walk up the first three flights, then take the elevator to the twentieth floor. If you walk up and down five flights of stairs at least twice a day, by the end of a year you will be in vastly improved physical condition. If you can't manage five flights, do one flight for two weeks, then two flights and so on. (But, please, if you are sedentary, overweight, or breathless, check with your doctor first. We don't want any heart attacks on the fourth floor.)

Take five minute walks. Forget what you have heard about needing 20 minutes of increased heartrate to get any benefit from exercise. It may be true that you will get the most aerobic benefit from that kind of routine. But you will also get positive physical benefit from walking around the block after lunch. Don't let your all-or-nothing perfectionism prevent you from enjoying a short, vigorous stroll a couple times a day.

Become an inefficiency expert. If you have a message to give to your co-worker down the hall or your neighbor down the street, deliver it in person instead of using the intercom or telephone. This needn't turn into an hour-long visit. Simply deliver your message, smile, say good-bye and stride back to your work-station.

Walk the dog around the block.

When you go to the mall for shopping, take a few minutes to walk from one end to the other. Glance in the store windows, watch the other shoppers, look at their clothes and hairdos and enjoy yourself. Smile at an old lady, admire an attractive man or woman, cluck at what young people are coming to. And keep moving.

If you have shopping or errands to do within a half mile of your home, walk to the store, do your shopping, and have another member of your family pick you up at a designated time so you don't have to carry heavy packages home. (This only works if you have reliable and cooperative family members.)

Invest in an attractive and comfortable pair of walking shoes. You're not likely to take a walk after lunch if you're wearing spike heels. Some people keep a pair of walking shoes in a desk drawer so they can be stylish at a business meeting and sensible on a stroll.

 

 

There are dozens of other ways that you can easily incorporate more physical movement into your daily activities without gouging too deeply into your time schedule. Be inventive. Be creative. And most of all, be inefficient. Yes, we all know it's more efficient to take the elevator. You will save a whole two minutes (unless, of course, you have to wait five minutes for it to come. Then you lose three minutes.)

Oddly, the amount of extra time it takes for us to climb stairs, walk around the block, or walk to the store equals exactly the same amount of time we usually spend pinching our flab and wishing it will go away, or smoking cigarettes, or complaining about how tired we are. I believe this bizarre equation is one of the undiscovered laws of physics.

Not enough time? You've got 24 hours in a day, just like everyone else. In a way, having the time is taking the time.

Okay, we've been talking about increasing routine physical activity. Now, let's talk about serious exercise.

 

So You Want To Be Ironman

 

First, and of extreme importance: If you want to embark on a serious program of physical fitness, get clearance from your personal physician. This is especially important if you are over thirty, overweight, sedentary, breathless or a smoker. Once you are cleared by your doctor, keep these guidelines in mind.

 

1. If you are not already in excellent physical shape, start with mild exercise that does not outstrip your current level of fitness. You will, of course, be able to do more as your condition improves. If you are in terrible shape to begin with, say 50% overweight or recovering from an illness, start real slow. Perhaps on the first day, all you can do is walk to the end of the block and back. Good! Do it! Be proud! In two weeks you might be able to walk around the block, in three months, you might be able to walk three miles. Build your strength gradually and consistently. You will improve.

2. Get expert guidance. Consult a fitness instructor at your local YMCA, health club, community college, or wellness center. Read books written by recognized experts in your chosen area. Know what you're doing.

3. Use proper equipment and use it correctly. Buy proper foot gear. Get instructions on how to use exercise machines and weights. Don't try to do aerobics on a cement floor. You'll hurt yourself.

4. If you injure yourself, don't be a hero. Get proper medical attention. Don't play through the pain.

And most of all, don't give up.

Health Booster #3: Rest & Relaxation

 

We all suffer from stress of one kind or another. When we think of stress we usually think of a major crisis, a disaster, turmoil and pain. But stress can also come from other sources -- seemingly minor irritations. Little things, like lost car keys, no toilet paper on the roll, a door knob that comes off in your hand, three red lights in a row, and too much to do in too little time.

People under chronic stress do not feel good, they don't function at the peak of their abilities, they don't enjoy life to the fullest. Such individuals often benefit from learning how to calm down, relax, how to manage their time better, and how to say 'no' when asked to take on another task.

On the other hand, too little stress can be equally disastrous. A certain amount of tonus, alertness and challenge are necessary to keep from sliding into a condition of potato- like torpor.

The dreary silence of an empty house when the kids are in school and her husband is at work can cause a housewife to lose all of her charm and three-quarters of her intelligence unless new stresses and interests other than waxy build-up are found. When the young man with a Master's Degree in English Lit can find no job other than cataloguing children's books in the basement of the city library, he may find himself becoming dull-witted and depressed from lack of stimulation. Unstimulated people need to find new excitement, new action, they need to learn to say 'yes' to life.

So stress can be either a health booster or health drainer, depending on our own individual situation and responses. What we need is a balance -- neither too much stimulation, nor too little.

Health-Draining Personality Styles:: Type A and Type U

 

The Type A personality style has been aptly described by Dr. Meyer Friedman in his book Type A Behavior and Your Heart. Type A personalities are aggressive go-getters, they get things done fast, they compete and they keep score of who wins and who loses. The also tend to have more stress-related illness (like heart disease) and personal problems (like a sour home life), than do more easy-going people.

Here are few other Type A characteristics: In a chronic struggle to get more done in less time. Highly competitive -- winning is everything. Engages in one-upsmanship with friends, family and colleagues. Impatient with people who dawdle. Feels guilty when relaxing. Easily bored. Multi-tasks; i.e., eats, talks, watches T.V. and reads at the same time. Wants to play "fast and loud", not for pleasure, enjoyment or artistry. Hostile and aggressive in day-to-day life. Reacts to normal tasks with an "emergency" response, both emotionally and physically.

 

Adult children are well-represented among the ranks of Type A personalities because, as we noted before, constant busy-ness gives some of us a sense of security. We suffer from the hurry syndrome.

If we hurry up, if we work at a fast and furious pace, then maybe, just maybe, we'll get enough of the goodies that prove we are worthy and successful people, which sounds like classic Type A behavior to me.

But the hurry syndrome certainly doesn't describe all unhappy adult children. Some of us could use a little Type A aggression in our character if it would help get us out of bed in the morning.

Type U: Unstimulated and Unchallenged

Some of us find ourselves in incredibly boring working or living situations: Housewives, retirees, production workers, and those who are over-trained for the job they hold.

What appears to be personal pettiness, burn-out, or depression may actually be nothing more than lack of intellectual challenge, or an absence of emotional, and physical stimulation.

For example, Roslyn had always lived a full and stimulating life. She and her husband raised two sons, and Roslyn always participated in school functions and scouting activities. She also worked for many years in a small custom clothing store that had a steady clientele. Over the years, she developed interesting business relationships with the regular customers. She enjoyed solving special clothing problems for them and, of course, she enjoyed the gossip and camaraderie that came with familiarity.

When Roslyn was in her late 40s, she developed a serious circulation problem in her legs. The condition was so serious that it threatened her life. She had to quit working. By this time, her sons were young men. They no longer needed or wanted their mother's daily attention.

Stuck at home, immobilized by her physical condition, without the challenge of her work, Roslyn soon lost her vitality. She changed from a lively and charming woman into a dreary Type U personality. Unstimulated and unchallenged, she spent hours each day propped on a couch in a dimly-lit room watching soaps and game shows on TV.

When we find ourselves unstimulated and unchallenged, we have a tendency to become fussy and small-minded. We become bores. Perhaps the most pernicious aspect of an unstimulated life is that we lose perspective on what other people find interesting or amusing.

For example, Roslyn started regaling her husband, sons, and friends with a run-down on the plots of all the daytime television shows she watched. Pretty soon, all she had to say to empty a room was, "Today on Perry Mason . . ."

An even worse, but very real, example is this: "Oh, it was awful. I didn't have a bowel movement for a whole week, and then when I did, oh, I thought I was going to die from the pain. I just went and went and went."

When the ordinary performance of necessary duties is all that engages our interest, we become wearisome to our families and a nuisance to our friends.

Here's the sad truth: If a painful bowel movement is the most exciting thing that's happened to you lately, you will want to share your experience with other people. In detail.

Listen: They don't want to hear about it.

Our lack of perspective and our obsession with detailing the trivial, the gross or the mundane aspects of our lives chases people away. We remain unstimulated, bored . . . and boring.

We must create our own stimulation. If we want interesting lives, we must first become interested in life. We need a little stress to wake us up. If you are the victim of Type U behavior, here are some suggestions:

Say 'yes' to extra duties around home or on the job. Do more than your share. Ask for extra assignments.

Engage your body in physical activity. Even if you are physically limited, consult your doctor on ways you can safely maximize your physical potential.

Watch the news, read the newspaper, and read news magazines. Keeping up with the news can give you interesting topics to discuss when the opportunity arises.

Take on a new project or hobby. Something that will engage your time and interest.

Volunteer for a worthy cause.

Take a class. If you are homebound, you might check with your local community college. Many are now offering Telecourses. You tune into the class via cable television and talk with the teacher on the phone.

Take pride in your appearance. Letting yourself go to pot is a sure sign that you have lost interest in life.

Take the first step. Sometimes we feel so stuck, we don't know where to start. But, really, it doesn't matter where we start, just as long as we do.

Pampering Yourself

 

Adult children are notorious for denying themselves small daily pleasures. We're saving up for the Big Reward, for that time in the future when we'll have the time and money and freedom to Have The Things We Really Want.

Frequent, small rewards are much better stress-reducers than distant big rewards. Rewards don't have to be purchased (or eaten!) They can be a gift of time that we give ourselves.

Each of us deserves a few minutes every day in which we can be selfish -- a long bath, a short walk, or ten uninterrupted minutes with the newspaper and a cup of tea before you start fixing dinner.

Stoic denial of small daily pleasures may seem like admirable behavior, but, more likely, it's a sign of selfish martyrdom. Denial of pleasure weakens you, leaving you vulnerable to stress and illness.

Now, here's the problem: Most adult children don't know how to enjoy small pleasures.

Take Susan, for example. The members in her Women's Support Group suggested that Susan needed to start being nice to herself. She deserved to pamper herself a little instead of always doing things for her husband and children. Their prescription: A daily present for herself.

The first day, Susan bought herself a dinner ring.

The second day, it was a leather jacket.

The third day, it was dinner at the finest restaurant.

The rest of the month it was Soup-In-A-Cup and generic noodles for dinner because Susan had blown the entire month's budget on presents for herself.

And her stress level? Sky high!

Here are three stress-reducing exercises that can help you learn to reward yourself with the small, ordinary, and free pleasures of life.

Stress-Reduction Exercise #1:
Small Delights (5 minutes a day)

Adult children with Type A characteristics are multi-taskers. That means we often do three things at once, with little awareness or pleasure in any of it. This is an exercise of the physical senses. Its purpose is to increase your awareness of the pleasure of an ordinary activity, in this case, drinking a cup of coffee.

STEP 1. Stop and consider this for a moment: You possess five senses -- hearing, seeing, touch, taste and smell. As you sit in your kitchen in the morning drinking a cup of coffee, you have it within your power to enjoy that coffee as much or more than anyone else in the world -- if you become aware of your senses. Think about it . . .your coffee tastes and smells just as good as the coffee Prince Charles and his mother are drinking right now in Kensington Palace.

STEP 2: Choose a sturdy mug or a delicate china cup, whatever you prefer, but make it special. Hold the full cup between both hands, letting the warmth seep into your fingers. As the fragrant steam rises, inhale the aroma deeply, savoring it. Enjoy the play of light on the liquid's surface, watch the sparkle and shine for a moment. Then slowly sip, relishing the first pungent burst of taste on your tongue. Then drink deeply, allowing the lovely sensations of the moment to fill you with pleasure. For a few moments, think of nothing but the pleasure you are experiencing.

STEP 3: Every day, as you go through your daily routine, take a few moments to truly use your five senses. Immerse yourself in the sound of a bird singing, or the touch of fabric on your body, or the geometric lines in brickwork. Our senses are rather like our muscles. If we don't exercise them, they atrophy. Exercise your senses for the sheer pleasure of it.

 

Stress Reduction Exercise #2:
Noticing the World (five minutes a day)

 

One hectic year, I discovered I had been so busy with my work and civic responsibilities that I had completely missed Springtime, Summer and Fall. As I ran from meeting to meeting, from dawn to dusk, the leaves budded, flowers bloomed and withered and died, the leaves turned brown and fell. When I looked up it was winter again. I missed a whole year of seasons, a whole year of my life, without even noticing it had slipped away from me. Has that ever happened to you? I vowed not to let it happen to me again.

That was seven years ago. I devised the following exercise for myself and I have used it everyday since then. It has brought me immeasurable pleasure.

Stand at a window and look outside. Or better yet, stand outside and look around you. Look at the sky, the clouds, the patches of blue and gray. Notice how the clouds move and change. Look at the buildings. Watch how shadow and light play along the surfaces. Move your eyes over the landscape. Pick out textures and colors and shades. Notice them. Look at a tree or a flower or a weed. Has it grown since yesterday. How has it changed? Smell the air. Is it sweet? Polluted? Ripe with street smells? How does it compare to yesterday? Better or worse? How's the temperature? Broiling, freezing, nasty, perfect? How does it compare with yesterday? Does it look like it will be better tomorrow? As each day passes, pay attention to the changes in the sky, the weather, the air, the plants, the trees, the flowers, even the weeds. Watch the seasons unfold. Appreciate the warm days and the foul days, for they are the days in which we live. And just as a winter storm can be followed by a day of clear crisp loveliness, our emotional storms can be followed by emotional clarity and peace. If we will only take the time to notice the changes.

 

Stress Reduction Exercise #3:
Time Out (1-5 minutes)

 

Would you like to learn how to relax under pressure? You can actually use the power of your mind to slow your pulse and unknot your muscles. This is an exercise of mental imagery. To experience this most fully, you might want a friend to read the following words to you. Or better yet, tape record the words in your own voice. The words should be read slowly and evenly, with pauses of several seconds between lines. By practicing regularly, you can train your mind to help you cope with stress. Then, whenever you feel the pressure mounting, sit back, close your eyes for a minute or two, and relax.

 

Just sit back and make yourself comfortable. Allow your eyes to close. . .

As you listen to my voice, you will feel a growing sense of relaxation and comfort in your body. . .

We are going to count from one to five and as we do . . .

You will imagine yourself feeling a deep sense of peace and tranquility . . .

one . . .

Just beginning . . .

letting relaxation spread through your scalp . . .

and your face . . .

and your neck . . .

two . . .

going down deeper . . .

more relaxed . . .

into your shoulders . . .

and arms . . .

and hands . . .

three . . .

breathing easy . . .

every breath taking you deeper . . .

into peace and tranquility and calm . . .

Feel the relaxation in you chest . . .

in your belly . . .

and down . . .

deeper into relaxation . . .

Four . . .

Feel the relaxation in your stomach . . .

and hips . . .

and legs . . .

and feet . . .

down deeper into complete tranquility . . .

Totally calm . . .

deeply relaxed . . .

almost there . . .

Five . . .

Tranquil, calm, peaceful . . .

Let yourself drift with these lovely feelings. . .

Feeling so calm . . .

and when you are ready . . .

just open your eyes . . .

all the way up . . .

back to alertness . . .

bringing these calm feelings with you . . .

totally refreshed.

 

Active Relaxation

Not all relaxation is passive, slow, or restful. Sometimes we need to work our bodies in order to relax. For example, when I am writing, I may sit for hours and hours without moving anything but my fingers and eyes as I work at a computer. At the end of the day, I need to relax with a fast paced walk around the neighborhood, a hike in the woods, or a swim in the river. The last thing I need, no matter how tired I am, is to collapse on the sofa.

On the other hand, when I teach a class or seminar I am very active both physically and emotionally. I'm on my feet, moving around the room and engaged in intense interaction with the seminar participants. When it's over, I'm beat, totally drained. I need rest, peace, quiet, a time to reflect and recharge my batteries.

The point is this: Recreational activities which are relaxing for one person at a particular time can be draining to a different person or at another time.

We need to balance what we do for relaxation with what we do for work. If our job is sedentary, hum-drum, undemanding, or boring, we are wise to spend our free time in active and exciting pursuits.

If our work keeps us running physically and emotionally, if it's fast paced and thrilling, we need some time to recoup our energies. We need rest.

Failure to recognize these separate needs can cause severe problems for couples who work at jobs that have a different level of demandingness, but who spend their leisure time together. The results can be disastrous unless compromises are made.

What we all need is balance. Enough sleep, enough activity, a little excitement, and some moments of tranquility. We need to manage our lives wisely. Taking care of ourselves doesn't mean an end to self-indulgence and pleasure. It means managing our lives so that we can get the most pleasure possible . . . with the fewest negative consequences. So have fun, eat an ice cream cone, stay out late, sleep in if you want to.

But not every day.

 

Chapter Fifteen

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© Copyright 1986, 1997, 2003  Gayle Rosellini & Mark Worden

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