A significant number of adult children begin to deal with the unresolved issues of their family alcoholism after developing chemical dependency problems of their own. Usually, these are men and women who get into treatment early -- in their 20's or 30's. They get sober and straight, they go to their meetings, but still . . . something is lacking.
Then they discover an unsettling fact: While they may be recovering from chemical dependency, they are still unrecovered from the co-dependency problems they developed while growing up in an alcoholic family.
And the same things that keep them sober -- the programs, the steps, the living one day at a time and saying the serenity prayer until their tongues grow numb -- these strategies that worked so well in their recovery from chemical dependency may have limited value in the recovery from co-dependency.
Still, these adult children -- the ones who are sober and straight -- are one jump ahead of the game. They are free to continue on their journey to self-realization, drug free, unencumbered with the self-stultifying health drainers of chemical dependency.
What about the rest of us? Does everyone seeking self- realization have to go on the wagon and become adamant and selfrighteous teetotalers? Is it possible to find love and happiness and still have a Bloody Mary or a Bud Lite now and then? Can we go one toke over the line on Saturday night and have self-fulfillment the other six days if the week?
Usually this kind of questioning is phrased in a mocking, sarcastic way, because we live in a culture that promotes the widespread use of drugs-- drugs for ills, drugs for pains, and drugs for recreational use, for altering moods, quelling anxieties, for sleep. We are a nation of drug users.
Given that drugs and drug use are so prevalent in our society, let's take a closer look at the implications of drug use for adult children.
One point of vital importance for all adult children to understand is this:
The inability to safely tolerate alcohol and other psycho-active chemicals is an inherited, biological characteristic.
Let's say it another way:
The tendency to develop alcohol and drug addiction runs in families. The probability of developing a problem with chemicals increases with
A) the number of close relatives who have had similar problems.
B) the biological closeness of the relationship of those who have had chemical problems, and
C) the number and intensity of those problems in one's relatives
To take this out of the abstract realm of probability and really hammer the point home, let's say: If either one of your biological parents suffered from alcoholism or drug addiction, the chances are that you, too, will become an alcoholic or drug addict if you use alcohol or drugs on a regular basis.
What does this mean in real terms?
1. You can consider yourself a heavy drinker in risk of
developing alcohol problems if . . .
Or . . .
Or . . .
Or . . .
You already have a drinking problem if you have suffered from black-outs (you don't remember things that happened while you were drinking), or you are sneaking and lying about how much you drink, or you need to drink to get through the day, or you have had job or legal problems (DWI arrests, or other alcohol-related offenses) because of your drinking, or your family and friends are complaining or expressing concern about your drinking.
Please notice that each of those conditions is separated with the word "OR". You don't need to have all of these problems to be an alcoholic, although if you keep drinking you probably will. In fact, it's important to note at this point that you don't have to be an alcoholic to have a problem with alcohol. You don't have to be an addict or a a mainliner or a coke fiend to have a problem with drugs.
Listen: You are probably saying to yourself, "If I ever got as bad as my dad (or mom) was, I'd quit drinking right away. But I'm not that bad yet."
How bad do you have to get? Is there a magic moment when you will sit up and exclaim. "Gosh, I guess I'm finally that bad."
Don't wait until you are as bad as your parent. Ask yourself honestly, "Do I really need drugs in my life. Do drugs really make things better, or is that just and illusion?"
If you do decide to become alcohol and drug-free, you may find that it's harder than you thought. Get help if you need it. You don't have to check into a hospital for a month. Many major treatment centers now provide out-patient counseling. Or call Alcoholics Anonymous. Don't let the disease of alcoholism destroy another generation of your family.
2. You can consider yourself chemically dependent if you smoke marijuana on a regular basis.
The horror of watching a parent destroyed by alcohol is enough to turn some people totally against drinking. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon to find an adult child who spurns liquor, but who smokes marijuana on a regular basis.
For example, Dinah wouldn't touch a drop of alcohol. Both her parents were drunks. While in her teens and early twenties, Dinah had tried drinking, but she hated the way it made her feel. She threw up. She made a fool of herself. She had terrible hang-overs. That was enough to make her swear off completely because she didn't want to end up like her parents.
During her senior year in college, Dinah started smoking marijuana with her boyfriend. She liked it. She liked the dreamy floaty feeling. She liked the way it made her feel protected against the hard-edges of life. And she also liked the fact that she could keep functioning after smoking. Marijuana seemed like a light and harmless high compared to what alcohol did to her. Over the next few years, Dinah smoked a little marijuana almost everyday. During that time she never felt like she had a problem.
But she did.
Let's not get into an argument about the relative merits of marijuana vs. alcohol. That will get us nowhere. Yes, yes, we're all agreed. Alcohol is a drug.
So is marijuana. It is not a neutral herb. If it was, we wouldn't use it to get high.
While marijuana intoxication is not as sloppy and apparent as drunkenness, it does cause a change in feeling, thinking and judgment. I have seen these particular problems in my clients who regularly use marijuana.
Each of us possess certain secret fears, worries and concerns. For example, Karen carried inside her deep fears of abandonment that could be traced back to the early death of her beloved father. The fear was always there, hidden, simmering below the surface of her consciousness. Smoking marijuana brought this fear to the forefront, but not in a healthy way. It surged up like a nameless black fog from the sewers of her soul. Karen thought smoking marijuana helped ward off the fog. But it wasn't until she got straight that she was finally able to face her fear and release herself from its bonds.
Many of our most basic fears are unnamed and unvoiced, yet they bubble under the layers of our consciousness. This is true for all of us. Yet my marijuana using clients seem to suffer more from nameless anxiety than do my other clients.
It has been argued that these feelings and behaviors are the result of a personality disorder for which the victim uses marijuana as self-medication. I disagree. I believe emotional flatness, the inability to tolerate frustration and increased nameless anxiety are direct drug effects. Why do I believe this? Because I have seen these symptoms lessen and even disappear within a year after a client stops using.
How do you figure out how much marijuana is too much? What is social smoking and what is chemical dependency?
If you suffer from any of the same kinds of problems we discussed concerning alcohol use, regardless of how much or how often you smoke, you have a problem. Help for marijuana abuse is available from the same sources that assist people with alcohol problems. Please, if you recognize yourself in these words, seek help immediately. You can improve your life.
3. You can become chemically dependent by using legally prescribed pain medication, sleeping pills, or tranquilizers . . . even if you take the drugs according to your doctor's instructions.
We discussed this issue in Chapter 10 when we addressed using medication to treat anxiety. We also risk getting hooked on prescription medication if we suffer from chronic pain, such as backaches, headaches, or arthritis.
Lucille, a 55 year old housewife and mother, had seen her father and brothers die of alcoholism. She didn't drink and she successfully urged her children to stay away from alcohol and illegal drugs. She also volunteered her time to provide drug education in the local schools and she became a highly respected expert on how to develop a grass-roots anti-drug campaign.
Lucille never dreamed she could become a drug addict. But that's exactly what happened. How? She slipped a disc in her back. The pain was excruciating. Her doctor prescribed pain killers and tranquilizers. The pain continued and after a while Lucille had to take twice as many pills to get relief. Eventually, she had surgery. After a period of convalescence, her doctor took her off all medication.
"You won't need pain pills anymore," he told her. And Lucille agreed. After all, she believed in a drug-free life.
But within two days, she felt awful. Her skin crawled, she felt shaky and irritable. She wanted a pill. But she was too embarrassed to ask her regular doctor. So, she called her gynecologist and asked for codeine. She told him an old condition was acting up again. Unsuspicious, he called the pharmacy with the prescription without insisting Lucille come in for an examination. Lucille promised to wean herself off the drugs, but whenever she tried, she felt so awful. Within six months, this respectable housewife was getting pills from four different doctors and four different pharmacies. She was a junkie. It wasn't until her family confronted her that she was finally able to get off the pills with medical supervision.
The point is this: If addiction can happen to someone like Lucille, it can happen to anyone. Including you and me. Here are some warning signs:
Have you taken prescription pain medication, sleeping pills or tranquilizers on a daily basis for more than two weeks?
Do the pills seem to work less effectively than they used to against your pain?
Have you tried to cut down or stop taking the pills, but you felt so awful and nervous that you took one and it relieved your nervous feelings?
Are you hiding the fact that you are taking a lot of pills from your family? Are you getting pills from several different doctors and drug stores?
If you answered yes to two or more of these questions, it's time for a frank discussion with your doctor. You may need medical help to get off the drugs (stopping cold turkey without your doctor's assistance can be dangerous). If you've been using prescription painkillers and relaxers for a long time, you may need special treatment. Please, talk to your doctor today.
4. You can consider yourself chemically dependent if you use tobacco.
By now the addictive nature of tobacco is almost universally acknowledged. (Almost, I say, because the tobacco industry contends that smoking is a harmless pastime and people choose to smoke because they enjoy it.) The surgeon general, the AMA, virtually all health associations and insurance companies recognize the hazards of smoking.
The addiction to nicotine is a health drainer in every sense of the word. It depletes the body of essential vitamins. It weakens the immune system. It increases the likelihood of heart disease, emphysema and other respiratory ailments, cancers of the lungs, throat and mouth. Cigarette smokers report more use of sick leave and other health benefits than non-smokers, which is a major reason why Fortune 500 corporations have started no-smoking policies for employees.
On a more mundane level, most people who smoke develop an insensitivity to odor, Thus, they have no appreciation of the fact that they leave a miasma of stale cigarette smoke behind them wherever they go. Because their taste buds have been charred, they have little appreciation of food unless it is heavily salted.
What are the payoffs from stop-smoking efforts?
Increased libido (sexual responsiveness and sensitivity>
Greater awareness and pleasure in food
An enhanced awareness of your living environment
Fewer chronic heart and respiratory problems
Greater longevity at a higher quality of life
Become exemplars of drug-free behavior for children!
This last point is often overlooked by adult children who have themselves been raised on the "Don't do as I do, do as I say" rule.
I want to go out on a limb and say: You can't tame your turbulent past unless you become drug free -- including cigarettes. Drugs are a self-indulgence, not a self-enhancer. Smokers are inconsiderate of others and abusive toward themselves -- whether they know it or not.
The expert who stands behind a podium and mouths high-sounding truths about self-fulfillment and self-worth, and then sneaks off for a cigarette when the public presentation is done is engaging in a parody of self-fulfillment.
And there's an irony in the fact that nurses are schooled in caring for others but have the highest rates of smoking among the professions.
Other ironies abound:
The parents who become frenzied about a child's experimental use of marijuana, but who smoke and drink with nonchalance.
The smoker who buys Topol to get the cigarette stains off his teeth, but who remains oblivious to the stains on his lungs.
A government that fights a War on Drugs, but ignores hot political issues concerning subsidies and advertising of the most popular drug in the country -- tobacco.
Alcohol and drug treatment programs that help their patients recover from the life-threatening addictions of alcohol and other drugs, but who approve of their patients remaining addicted to the life-threatening drug of nicotine.
The counselor who pontificates on the value of a drug- free life while puffing on a pipe.
*** *** *** Drugs may sometimes make us seem to be more alert and competent, but this always -- always-- turns out to be an illusion. You are not a better person when on drugs -- you are a drug-affected (and likely drug-impaired) person. On any journey it's important to remain alert and responsive. And on the journey to self-fulfillment, to self- realization it's especially important to be drug-free, alert and responsive. You cannot tame your turbulent past by soothing or medicating memories and emotions with drugs. While being drug-free does not automatically bring about instant recovery, a drug-free life is indispensable to growth and a necessary step in taming your turbulent past.
© Copyright 1986, 1997, 2003 Gayle Rosellini & Mark Worden
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