Taming Your Turbulent Past

by

Gayle Rosellini & Mark Worden

 

Chapter Twenty-One

::

Escaping the Approval-Defiance Trap

      What's the matter, you dissentious rogues
      That, rubbing the poor itch of your opinion,
      Make yourselves scabs?
      -- Shakespeare

Although rugged individualism is extolled in our culture, the truth is: Not very many of us can be happy unless we have congenial companions who approve of our way of life and of our outlook on the world.

We may deny it. We may even shout, "I don't care what anyone thinks." Or we may croon like Frank Sinatra: "I'll do it my way," and march to the beat of a different Moog Synthesizer. Yet it is a rare (and perhaps not altogether sane) person indeed who is well-armored enough not to need or want the approval of the people they live with and care about.

The need for approval and various approval-seeking behaviors are universal. In adult children, this need for approval tends to be disproportionately strong. Approval-seeking is usually honed to the highest degree, and this is the source of many conflicts.

Take Micci, for example. As a schoolgirl and young adult, Micci was the typically well-behaved good daughter, good student, good friend, good citizen. She did her best to make her parents proud of her and to meet the needs of her friends and family. By the time she was twenty-five, Micci was coming unglued. It seemed like no matter how hard she tried to be pleasant and loving, she got screwed. Her college sweetheart dumped her. Her parents, who loved her dearly, criticized her constantly. More than a few of her friends treated her like a doormat. One night, after an ugly scene with her roommates, Micci found herself alone and frightened, crying uncontrollably in a deserted cornfield at three o'clock in the morning.

How had she come to this point? she cried. And more importantly, where did she go from here?

From somewhere, an answer came into her brain. "Get help. Get into therapy. You've got to change."

And Micci did change. With the help of a skilled therapist, Micci learned to become more assertive. She learned to honor her own needs, as well as the needs of others. She learned to say, "No." She learned to ignore her mother's unsolicited and unwanted advice and she learned how to tell her new lover what she needed from him emotionally and sexually.

And what happened when Micci started changing the destructive rules that had been making her so miserable?

The spit hit the fan, that's what.

"What's wrong with that girl?" her mother complained.

"She's getting too big for her britches," her father fumed in response.

"You never have time for me like you used to," an unhappy acquaintance whined. "I have so many problems and I need you to help me. Why are you being so mean?"

"None of my other girlfriends needed fifteen minutes of foreplay," her lover said indignantly. "They never told me how to make love to them."

Micci found herself in a difficult spot. If she behaved in a way that gained the approval of her family and friends -- sweet, acquiescent, submissive, helpful, unselfish and quiet -- she hated herself and the way people treated her.

But if she behaved in the manner that made her respect and like herself -- assertive, open, honest, expressive, and, yes, uppity -- her parents and old acquaintances acted as if she'd sprouted fangs and a beard.

Micci didn't know what to do. For a while she considered getting a teaching job in New Zealand in order to get away from all the pressures and conflicts. At least there, no one would know her and she could act any way she pleased. But in her heart, she knew that running away was not the answer. For one thing, she loved her parents. She had a good job and some very dear friends and she didn't want to give up the security and warmth of her current life.

At that point, Micci made a mistake common to people who feel the censure of those they wish to please. Micci turned defiant.

Defiance:: Approval-Seeking in Disguise

Defiance is the will to oppose or resist authority. It is the urge to challenge, the disposition to engage in combat. It is a contemptuous disregard of expected behavior.

Defiance is the opposite of deference, and, not surprisingly, forced deference is the chief cause of feelings of defiance.

When Micci felt that her parents and friends were trying to force her back into her "nice girl" mold, she rebelled. She was tired of deferring to her parent's wishes. She was a grown women, she supported herself, and she felt she had a right to her own choices and, if necessary, to her own mistakes.

Micci developed a defensive, pugnacious attitude. She started saying things like, "If you don't like it, that's tough." "It's my life and I'll live it anyway I please." "What I do is none of your damn business." "I have a right to my own feelings and I don't need to justify myself to you."

Micci didn't actually say these things. She shouted them. Or sneered them. Or grumped them. She turned prickly as a cactus, made herself and others uncomfortable, and seemed to have completely lost her sense of humor.

Fortunately for Micci (and her companions) this was a short- lived stage in her journey towards recovery. For a while, Micci sincerely believed that her defiant stance was an indication of recovery. She felt she no longer needed the approval of others and she saw this as progress.

But she was mistaken.

For you see, defiance is merely the need for approval turned inside out. It doesn't look like it on the surface, but the person who is behaving defiantly is actually demanding approval. Their message is: "This is the way I am. I want my own way. You are wrong and I am right. I expect you to accept me no matter how I behave and if you don't, I will react by making trouble for you."

I will react . . .

Defiance is a reaction to authority. Defying the conventions of your parents or spouse or of society as a whole may make you feel free. You showed them. Thumbing your nose at authority can be a thrilling experience. It can make you feel alive, powerful, free!

But are you really free?

Or are you still dancing to a tune drummed out by somebody else, the only difference being that when they tell you to waltz, you dance a jig? You may be doing your own steps, but you're still dancing to their music.

In recovery, the goal is learning how to be in harmony not only with your companions, but, more importantly, with your own higher values.

To Defer or Defy -- That Is The Question

As you would expect, the people who have the most problems with needing and wanting approval are those who have shaky self- esteem or who lack a strong sense of their own identity. If we don't recognize our own innate value, we have a tendency to measure our worth by the opinions that other people, especially authority figures, have of us.

And remember, authority figures can be just about anyone -- parents, spouse, your boss, your doctor, your kids (when they try to tell you what to do), even your disapproving next door neighbor or a smug store clerk.

Now, ask yourself, do you want to go through life reacting to the opinions of store clerks and small-minded strangers?

Consider this: If you grew up feeling a lack of personal power, you may actually feel that practically everyone else in the world is an authority figure that you either have to defer to or defy. Thus when the checker at Safeway gives you a dirty look, you feel just about as uncomfortable as you would if you got the same look from your boss.

A very great deal of unhappiness arises from these feelings. A huge amount of energy is expended in trying to win the approval of the people around you, or conversely, in defending your independence by resisting or combating the opinions of those who are hostile to you or your way of life.

When we habitually defer, we spend our energies trying to live up to the expectations of people who may not have our best interests at heart, or who may not care about us at all.

When we habitually defy, we spend our energies trying to maneuver, inveigle or manipulate other people to agree with our own views. We take a point of view and hold onto it dogmatically, because it is OURS. We seek to affirm our worth by engaging in petty defiances -- such as speeding or smoking where it is forbidden. Or through noisy posturing -- "I don't care what the judge says, I'll go to jail before I'll go to alcohol treatment." Or by insults -- "Screw you, buster!"

But whichever choice we make -- deference or defiance -- we are still locked in a struggle for approval.

Defiance In Disguise

Open defiance like Micci's is fairly easy to recognize. Some people seem to be spoiling for a fight, for any opportunity to assert themselves. Others manage to avoid sharp issues. Outwardly, they conform to social conventions, while inside they are bristling. Their defiance comes out disguised.

Disguised defiance can range from the silly to the suicidal.

  • Lynn's husband wears dentures and finds it difficult to eat sticky foods or foods with small seeds. Lynn usually takes this into account. But when she gets angry with him she always puts a peanut butter sandwich made on a poppy seed bun into his lunch pail.
  • Ben is out of work. The family is relying on his wife's paycheck. And she doesn't let him forget it. Her comments hurt. He feels resentful and inadequate, but he's too scared to tell her. His wife loves to cook gourmet meals. About five minutes before she places the food on the table, he involves himself in a project, so that by the time he's ready to sit down, the food is cold and congealed.
  • Judy feels intimidated by her dominating husband, Tom. She feels powerless to stand up to him directly. When they are gathered together with family or friends, Judy can be counted on to liven up the party by gaily saying, "Hey, did anybody notice that Tom's started dying his hair?" Or, "Poor Tommy, his hemmorhoids have been killing him lately." Or, "Did I ever tell you about the time Tom got seasick and we were on his boss's boat. Oh, it was soooo embarrassing. What happened was. . ."
  • Leonard had spent his whole life trying, on one hand, to win his father's approval and, on the other hand, feeling resentful that his father had so much control over Leonard's life. Leonard enrolled in law school because that's what dad wanted him to do, and he flunked out from not studying because he hated his dad running his life. He married a girl his father approved of, and cheated on her. He joined his father's business and regularly came in late and missed meetings. Leonard did whatever his dad wanted him to, and got even by doing it badly.
  • Morey's wife always tried to tell him how things should be done. She told him how to knot his tie, how to cook bacon, how to comb his hair, how to talk to his boss, how to mow the lawn. She wasn't nasty about it, she just sort of followed him around criticizing him for his own good. She also kept telling him he should stop smoking unless he wanted to die from cancer like his mother had. It drove Morey nuts. Over time, Morey developed some sores in his mouth and went to the doctor. The sores were pre-cancerous lesions and the doctor told him in no uncertain terms that he must stop smoking immediately or else. At home, he told his wife, "They're just canker sores. Nothing to worry about." He lit up a cigarette and took a deep drag, thinking, "I'll be damned if I'm going to give her another chance to say I told you so."

     

Learning To Live With Disapproval

It's a truism that you can't please all of the people all of the time. Nonetheless, many unhappy adult children think they must win approval for all they do. And they must never displease anyone.

Listen: You can't do it. No one can. Criticism, censure and disapproval are a part of life. No matter how well you perform, someone will find fault with what you do.

And so on.

`

The Iron Law of Approbation

It is impossible to win universal approval for everything we do. All of us will face criticism and disapproval at some time in our lives.

Trying to get everyone you know to like you and approve of you is a useless pre-occupation. You can't succeed and your failures will only make you feel miserable or defiant.

So if we want to break free from the approval trap, we must accept the fact that we can't please all the people all the time. Yet, we must also remember that sympathetic surroundings and supportive companions are an important ingredient in personal happiness. Therefore it makes sense for us to try to please some of the people some of the time. Let's ask ourselves some questions.

Under some circumstances it is healthy and mature to actively seek the approval of another person, especially if your behavior directly effects that person. Yet, one problem approval-seeking adult children have is that they are indiscriminate in their need to please. They don't know how to set priorities. Consequently, it becomes as important to please your next door neighbor as it is to please your mate. You worry as much about winning the approval of the parking lot attendant as you do about gaining the esteem of the person who signs your paychecks.

Why do we fail to set priorities? I think the main reason is that approval-seeking adult children are addicted to praise and it's a heck of a lot easier to get positive strokes from parking lot attendants than it is from bosses. All the attendant needs to think you're a great guy is a smile, some small talk and regular tips. Try handing your boss a smile and a five dollar bill the next time you come in late and see how far it gets you.

So how do you decide who you need to please?

That depends on the circumstances, the importance of the situations, the degree to which it effects other people, and your personal value system.

For example, Pam wants to have a baby. This is a major decision, one which will effect many people who care about Pam. Just whose permission and approval does Pam need in this situation?

If you were in Pam's shoes whose opinion would you be worrying about? Your mother's? Your best friend's? Your mother-in-law's? Your boss's? Now, think about it for a minute. When you faced a major decision, whose opinion mattered most to you? Who influenced you the most? In whose best interest were you operating.

In Pam's case, the person she needs most to approve of her plan is her husband. In fact, in a decision as personal as having a baby, he may be the only other person who needs to be involved in the decision. If Pam gets pregnant his life will be changed. He will have emotional, moral and financial commitments for the next 20 years.

But haven't you known a woman who purposely got pregnant without the approval of her husband or boyfriend?

Mary secretly stopped using birth control while her husband was in his senior year in college. They had agreed to wait to start their family until he had completed school and he had worked for a year. But both of Mary's sisters and her best friend had new babies. She felt left out. Mary thought it was more important for her to be like her sisters and her girlfriend than it was for her to be open and honest with her husband. She had her priorities mixed up. Not surprisingly, Mary is now divorced.

Conversely, Bill and Maggie hesitated in having a very much wanted fourth child because in their social circle, large families were frowned on. When Maggie did become pregnant she was delighted, but she also developed a defensive and surly attitude. She let the raised eyebrows of friends rob her of the natural joy she and Bill felt at this wondrous time.

Every day we are faced with the fact that other people will judge our actions and behaviors. Have you ever stopped to consider that if someone disapproves of you, it might be that person's problem and not yours? Perhaps that person is consumed by envy or is a victim of irrational or bigoted beliefs. And what if criticism aimed at you is valid? It need not destroy you. Use criticism to learn from your mistakes. If you are fully human, then you will and must make mistakes. It's simply part of life. Disapproval can upset you only as far as you are willing to buy into the idea that you must have the admiration and approval of everyone you meet. You have the right to your own opinions and ideas. You have the right to break free from old destructive rules. You have the right to be yourself.

Now, with all that in mind, let' pause for a moment and remember Micci. After years of fawning for approval, Micci did an about face. She turned pugnacious and rude. And that earned her more pain and disapproval than she had ever known before. Have you made the same mistake?

Sometimes, people in our lives disapprove of our behavior for legitimate reasons. In other words, we really are behaving badly or in an inconsiderate fashion.

Ask yourself:

`

Consequences

If you play your stereo full blast late at night . . .

If you regularly dump your children off with friends or relatives
so you can go party . . .

If you spend your money recklessly and have to borrow
from your parents to avoid being evicted from your apartment . . .

If you wreck yourself with a wild lifestyle and need
to be nursed back to health . . .

If you lie to your friends or cheat on your lover . . .

If you are surly or abusive to the people around you. . .

If you come back to your conservative small town with pink spiked hair
and a safety pin in your ear . . .

If you show up for work or social engagements
anytime you feel like it . . .

If you try to make love to your twelve year old neighbor . .

. . . you must accept the natural consequences of your behavior, which in most cases will be negative.

While you may justly feel that it is your right to play your stereo at any hour you please, your neighbors have just as much right to complain about your ungodly noise . . . further, they have the right to complain to the police.

The point is this: A person who flagrantly defies commonly accepted social customs and rules can expect disapproval, censure and outrage from all quarters. To expect anything else is both unreasonable and foolish.

Your departures from conventional behavior may rouse the ire of your family and friends because your behavior may be interpreted as a criticism of them.

For example, Patty was raised in a traditional ethnic Italian family. Papa was the head of the household; mama cooked big meals, raised the kids, went to mass; the sons went to college; and Patty married young.

Unfortunately, her marriage was a disaster. Her husband drank, ran around with other women, slapped Patty around, and generally treated her badly. But he was a successful businessman and he did provide Patty with a nice home and lovely clothes. Which was exactly what papa had provided for mama.

When Patty went to her parents for help in getting out of her abusive marriage, they were outraged. Her husband beat her because she was a bad wife, her father told her. Have a baby, mama counseled.

Patty went back to her husband, tried to be a good wife, suffered several miscarriages and more abuse. After 17 terrible years, her husband left her for a younger woman.

Patty was destroyed. And so were her parents.

"He was a good husband," her father told her. "What's the matter with you that you couldn't keep your man happy?"

"If only you'd been able to give him children," her mother sighed. "How are you going to get another husband if you can't give him children?"

Courageously, Patty started putting her life back together. She was 37 years old, she'd never held a job, she had no training, she'd never even paid a bill or had her own checking account. She was like a teenager just leaving home . . . only more frightened.

By finagling grants and financial assistance, she was able to put together enough money to enroll in college. Thrilled, she went to her parents to announce her triumph.

Her father made a dismissive gesture. "That's your problem," he said. "Don't bother us with it."

"Will you meet any nice men?" mama asked hopefully.

Patty cried for a week. What did she have to do to show her parents that what she was doing was right? How could she get the moral support from them that she needed so desperately.

Over the next year, the conflict between Patty and her parents increased. She showed them her "A" papers. They told her that her ex-husband's new wife was expecting a baby.

Patty placated, cried, argued, screamed, manipulated, threatened, and demanded that her parents recognize her as a worthy individual engaged in a worthy endeavor. In fact, she was putting more energy into trying to get her parents to accept her as a childless, husbandless woman who was trying to get an education in order to have a career then she was putting into her studies. Her grades began to drop.

What Patty didn't realize was that her parents interpreted her behavior as a very direct and cutting criticism of their own values and lifestyle.

Patty didn't stop to think how her mother might feel when Patty ranted, "I won't end up an old tired out Italian hag in a black dress who doesn't do anything but boil pasta and play bingo at church. I'm going to make something of myself."

She never considered that her father might take it personally when she talked about her husband and followed it with, "All men are asses. Always trying to run the show and push women around when they're nothing but liars and cheats and fools."

While Patty keenly felt the sting of her parents' disapproval and criticism, she had no idea that they too felt attacked and criticized.

Without being fully aware of it, Patty was demanding a total capitulation on the part of her parents. She wanted to prove that they were old-fashioned and stupid and wrong. She was stuck in either/or thinking. Either mama and papa were right and she was wrong. Or Patty was right and they were wrong. No middle ground.

Patty was operating under the silent assumption that she and her parents had to follow the same rules and share the same values. . . otherwise they wouldn't be a family. And like most of us, Patty cherished the idea of family. Half the time her inner child refused to accept the notion that she did not need her parents' permission to live her own life. The rest of the time, her inner parent tried to make her real parents act right.

As you can imagine, almost every family get-together turned into a battle.

Are you living under the same mistaken beliefs? Do you mindlessly accept the notion that you can only be happy if your parents or in-laws or step children fully approve of and applaud your lifestyle? Do you spin your wheels in the dust trying to get them to act toward you the way you think they should?

Listen: You don't need anyone else's permission to be a different or unique individual.

The world is big enough to accommodate many different beliefs, behaviors and values.

I do not mean here that you should feel free to be mean or criminal or destructive in your conduct, which is self-defeating and dangerous. I mean only that you have the right to make your own choices, to be natural and to follow your own values, so long as these are not anti-social or harmful to others.

If your lapses from conventionality are minor, such as failing to keep your lawn mowed, or refusing to dress for success, or letting you hair grow long and straggly, you can go a long way toward staving off criticism simply by being good-natured and friendly about it.

Say, for example, your mother-in-law calls you at 10:00 o'clock on Saturday morning and greets your groggy hello with a disdainful, "Are you still in bed?"

Instead of bristling, you could languidly respond, "Positively sinful, isn't it?" Put a dash of insouciance in your voice, a tone that says you are thoroughly enjoying yourself. Remember, you're an adult now and you don't need mama's permission to sleep in. If you show you are threatened or afraid, a potential critic gains courage. However, if you show good humor or even indifference they begin to doubt their power over you and they are more apt to leave you alone.

That is what happened to Patty. When she stopped trying so desperately to win her parents' approval, when she showed good humor instead of surliness, her parents became more tolerant. They still didn't approve of their daughter and her new independence 100 percent, but they stopped actively criticizing her.

Patty never did get the total capitulation she had tried for. She settled for peaceful co-existence. And it was enough.

Enduring Outrage

Sometimes our lapses from conventionality are major. We are choosing a path which is totally contrary to what is expected as normal and appropriate for us. For example:

Not surprisingly, friends and relatives will be shocked, disappointed, even outraged. Ugly scenes can be expected.

First, you must realize that you have very little, if any, control over how other people react to your behavior. While you might not like it, you must accept the fact that they have just as much right to their negative feelings about what you have done as you do to whatever feelings you have about their reaction to what you have done.

 

PEOPLE ARE UNDER NO OBLIGATION TO ACCEPT YOU AS YOU ARE.

 Shocked? Outraged? Get used to it.

It would be nice if everyone (including Christians) were imbued with the spirit of Christian humanitarian acceptance and forbearance and tolerance. But they aren't. And life isn't always the way it should be. As long as those who disapprove of you are not illegally harassing you or violating your civil rights, they have a complete right to hold whatever opinion of you they wish. It would be nice, of course, if they were courteous enough to keep it to themselves.

Second, you must remember that life will go on. The unpleasant nature of the current situation will not go on forever. It does not need to permanently impair your happiness.

If you are willing to accept the fact that you can't break the Major Rules of Conventionality without raising at least a short-term stink, you will have an easier time getting through the crisis and on with the rest of your life.

Third, you will be wise to consider the possibility of forgiveness. If friends and family reject and hurt you, if they act like bigoted fools, you will only harm yourself by carrying a grudge. Even when friendships are broken, forgiveness can heal the pain in your own heart.

It is possible for us to endure and survive criticism and disapproval. But if we want to be happy, we must do more than endure. We must emerge unembittered and with unimpaired vitality. The best way to increase tolerance and acceptance for who and what we really are is to model accepting and nonjudgmental behavior towards our friends and companions.

In our alcoholic families, we learned to fight fire with fire.

 

In recovery, we gain more by fighting fire with love.

Chapter Twenty-Two

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© Copyright 1986, 1997, 2003  Gayle Rosellini & Mark Worden

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